DoubleMule

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2009 Predictions from the Mule Barn

It seems just about anyone can make a list of 2009 predictions, so the mules must be invited. With a leaning towards the online world, here goes:

1] Google will buy the International Space Station and plaster it with a combination of AdSense and “hostile environment” bumper stickers. The Hubble telescope will be purchased, turned about, and permanently focused on ShoeMoney’s swimming pool.

2] Apple will create the first text-rendering “book” reader worth using. It will contain the usual DRM nightmares, but will also ship with the Gutenberg collection on a collector’s edition SDHC card and contain a 1Tb internal flash drive with wi-fi access. It will also be a scanner, camera, universal translator, metal detector, coffee dispenser, and will feature a “badge” monitoring Steve Jobs’ heartbeat in real time on the cover.

3] Twitter will become the next FaceBook and Yahoo. This will combine massive user base growth with a frustrating inability to monetize, a stalled purchase deal from Microsoft, the helming of Twitter by Jerry Yang, and a delay in all of the above, during which time Google will purchase Twitter and paint it with AdWords.

4] Google will continue to strong-arm Twitter with nofollow demands until the day the ad contract is inked, after which Twitter will become another “always in the top ten” search property. Google will announce a second revenue stream in its new capacity as indifferent provider of predictive positional data for “targets of opportunity” worldwide.

5] Wikipedia will be scraped wholesale, and for the first time in a decade, a new search engine will break into the top tier from this foundation. The engine will be pushed live by a joint coalition of black hat SEOs, Somalian pirates, and expatriate Libertarians, who will invade and declare an independent nation.

6] The invaded nation will be located off the coast of California, and will have formerly been a floating wave-powered data center. Google will find itself unwilling to shed blood over something as trivial as a floating computer farm: bloodless coup.

7] In a bold move, Nokia and OLPC founder Nick Negroponte will combine forces to create a simplified mobile device that can transmit and receive requests for voice communication. Upon acceptance, the two parties will “talk” on the handsets by holding them to their ear. This device will cost $15, be called a “mobsoso” and will move 400M units in Q3 2009. The innovative keyboard will use numerical symbols to allow for unique strings of contact codes, enabling secure outbound communications requests.

8] With $3T earmarked for flushing, Americans of all stripes will be spurred to work an average of 18 hour days to restart the economy before the trillions are disbursed and lost forever. 17 days later, the Depression will be history. At the end of 2009, a think-tank will distribute a report that confirms this – but the $3T will be spent anyway. A new cycle begins.

9] The toxic assets purchased with government (taxpayer) funds will eventually be auctioned on eBay in partial follow-through on the $17.3B bail-out of the faltering “web 1.5” company, with lot price minimums to be determined by YouTube video responses to the State of the Union address. North Korea, France, and China will block their citizens from bidding on the proceedings.

Have a marvelous 2009!

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